Area Man beaten over Breaking Dawn accusations.

Area man, Kevin Cole was recently bombarded with fists, feet, and the occasional tentacle. The following happened no less than a day after supposedly posting the end of Breaking Dawn on the internet. In said post he revealed that main character, and teenage heart throb, Edward Cullen, would be dead by the end of the novel. His brief post also eluded to Bella Swan as the possible murder suspect.

Around 6:17 PM on Saturday August 2, 2008, screams from said area man could be heard as far as Baltimore.

“NO DEAR GOD PLEASE!!! IT WAS ONLY A JOKE, THE AUTHOR WOULD NEVER WRITE THAT!!! DIDN’T YOU EVEN READ THE FIRST BOOK, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT LINE WASN’T IN THERE!!! NOOOOO!”

Once the screams stopped, Jim McHaggis, an area beat farmer with no knowledge of the Twilight series called the police and notified them of the problem. Later Kevin Cole was rushed to Frederick Memorial Hospital where he was treated for numerous flesh wounds, bruises, and a massive “head hole.”

While on what may very well be his death bed Kevin Cole reported “I swear it was all a hoax, just like the “Harry Dies” movement that swept the state of Virginia this time last year.”

Our wishes go to the Cole family, that some form of supernatural karma vampires won’t devour them.

http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/news/fcps_injuries.htm

Put down BREAKING DAWN for 2 seconds...

Edward dies...

No seriously guys, I swear he totally does. Stephenie Meyer's hinted at it sense the beginning.

Ex. page 257 of Twilight

"But seriously Bella, I've been around hundereds of years, and I bet that by the end of these next 4 years someone will realize I'm a vampire, and stab me in the heart with a wooden steak."

Trust me, he totally says that and 4 years, come on, Twilight's like Harry Potter, each book goes on like a year, we all know it to be true.  Besides, all those pages in Eclipse without Edward was clearly preparing the reader for a cullen-less future.  And here's how it happens on page 436 of Breaking Dawn...

"At that moment Bella knew it was best for the both of them, if Edward wasn't going to turn her into a vampire, and if his life was going to just get more dangerous, it was the best decision.  With that she took a wooden stake, and put her love to rest. And that was it, Edward Cullen was totally dead."

Now look at my face do I look like a liar?  That's what happens sorry guys.

PS: Dear angry readers, feel free to take a good punch next time you see me, and if I'm somehow right, please no lynchings.