Area man, Kevin Cole was recently bombarded with fists, feet, and the occasional tentacle. The following happened no less than a day after supposedly posting the end of Breaking Dawn on the internet. In said post he revealed that main character, and teenage heart throb, Edward Cullen, would be dead by the end of the novel. His brief post also eluded to Bella Swan as the possible murder suspect.
Around 6:17 PM on Saturday August 2, 2008, screams from said area man could be heard as far as Baltimore.
“NO DEAR GOD PLEASE!!! IT WAS ONLY A JOKE, THE AUTHOR WOULD NEVER WRITE THAT!!! DIDN’T YOU EVEN READ THE FIRST BOOK, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT LINE WASN’T IN THERE!!! NOOOOO!”
Once the screams stopped, Jim McHaggis, an area beat farmer with no knowledge of the Twilight series called the police and notified them of the problem. Later Kevin Cole was rushed to Frederick Memorial Hospital where he was treated for numerous flesh wounds, bruises, and a massive “head hole.”
While on what may very well be his death bed Kevin Cole reported “I swear it was all a hoax, just like the “Harry Dies” movement that swept the state of Virginia this time last year.”
Our wishes go to the Cole family, that some form of supernatural karma vampires won’t devour them.